Why do good things always happen to bad people

I don't have to put punctuation at the end of my blog titles, Jessie! And If you could look past (crap! Is it passed or past?? I can't be handing this kind of ammo to the grammar gustapo)... Uh, If you look.. beyond (nice save) the missing punctuation, you will see that the meaning of the sentence is what's important. Although I guess it is hard to tell whether I am asking, yelling, or whatever. But I didn't type it in all caps, so I'm not yelling.

This is an issue that affects millions of families every year. Four (4) out of every bad person has good things happening to them.. like all the time! This doesn't seem right to me, and I intend to do something about it. I am going to need the help of humans everywhere, and that is why am writing this post. Please join with me in this effort to restore balance to the force. Here is my plan:

Phase 1: Alert the media. I am asking everyone to call their local newspaper and television stations and alert them to the injustice that is happening all over the world. Ask them to shine the bright, uncomfortable, burning light of shameful shamefulness on this issue. Once the piercing laser-beam of scrutiny has been focused, we will deploy phase 2!

Phase 2: Release the hounds! Once the scorching heat of awareness is beating down upon the bad people like a thousand suns firing an endless barrage of cancerous photon death, they will start to scurry and slither to get out of the hot hotness of doom. This will be our moment to activate those robot ninja monkies. This will be the time for big holes in the ground covered only by a thin layer of leaves. If you don't have monkies or big leafy death-trap holes, deploy any old thing you have laying about the lab. Battery acid, when carefully balanced on a slightly-opened door works very well indeed.

Phase 3: This is a phase that will be easy to overlook. However, it is vital to our success. Once we have captured all of the bad people who are having great things happen to them, we have to brainwash them to become members of our great scary villain army. Once we reach this phase I will send each of you the IP address to our orbiting brain-control satellite array. Yes, that means that I will have control over them all, but that's ok, we're friends, right?

Ok, we can make this right. If we all join our hands in holding the hammer of justice and hammeriness, we can hammer out a message to our brothers and our sisters, aaaaahahaaall over this land.

Let me close with this inspirational picture: