ponderings of a mute tubist

One is not the loneliest number. Three is, after one and two got married. They were all still friends but one had to get that job shucking corn 60 hours a week just to support two's gambling problem. I would tell you which was the man and which the woman in that scenario, but numbers don't have gender. Everybody hoped that three would find a nice prime number and settle down, but you know how that never happens. Three saw how one and two struggled to make things work, and to make ends meet while living in their double-wide down by the water reclamation plant. Three thought he would prefer to travel the world, but he settled for making pies. Well, he actually only started the pies and let other numbers complete them. I don't think any of the pies actually got finished, They were HARD to make, it seemed like there was always someone else that needed to add something.

Cinnamon is the number one cause of Tornados in the U.S. Don't believe me? Well, you will when you hear my proof!!!! Pass it on.

I hear people saying that violence is not the answer as they are throwing hand grenades at whoever happens to be nearby, and I think they are right. Violence isn't the answer to anything, it's just fun. Kinda like churning butter. You could just go buy the butter anywhere, but then you would miss out on the churning.

Love is like a ray of sunshine, it sounds nice, but when you actually experience it you get burned and decide to protect yourself from it. Oh, and it gives you cancer eventually.

I really wish that the gay community would give the rainbow back to the unicorns. They had it first.

In closing, I would like to leave you with a peom:

Night sky, way up yonder,
We all worry about you,
you seem to be eating
too many clouds,
and you cry a lot,
you pansy.

A wise man once said: "It is better to drink water than to drown in it." It took me a long time to understand the meaning of that saying, but I did finally understand the crap out of it!

Here's a similar saying: "If you like something a lot, don't smash it to pieces, unless it was meant to be smashed into pieces. If it was intended to be smashed into pieces, make sure you clean it up after you are finished with it, unless the point is the resulting artistic arrangement of the smashed pieces." Children from a young age understand this concept clearly and deeply.

Robots will never learn to moonwalk. Yes, they will someday visit the actual moon, but I am talking about that timeless move that Michael Jackson introduced to the world. Here is the reason that robots will never moonwalk: It's hard. Most people can't even do it right. How is a robot supposed to do something that defies the laws of physics? A robot can't go through the motions of walking forward and end up walking backward. A robot also cannot pretend.

I cried myself to sleep until I realized that I could just close my eyes when I was tired and go to sleep. Kids don't understand that even though they are having fun playing, or spitting chocolate milk at the cat, it's fine to go to sleep. they don't realize that they have no job or responsibilities of any kind, so when they wake up in the morning, they can just go right back to whatever they were doing. Come on kids! Give me a break. Also, kids can't count. Don't ask kids to count sheep because they can't, and even if they could it sounds like a really stupid idea to them because it IS a stupid idea.

I sat down to my computer and I really wanted to type a new blog entry. I know that if I don't type blog entries, I will have no way of passing on my knowledge to my posterity. Unfortunately, my knowledge is extremely..... non-existent. If you compare my knowledge to that of a library, I would be the library's little brother who doesn't know anything. So instead of some inspiring tome laden with wisdom and poetic imagery, you get me typing whatever comes into my brain. Like:

Trombone players think they are awesome, and they probably are.

The moral of the story is: "Loneliness is like not having anyone to talk to"

Blog flux

As you can see, this blog is in flux at the moment. Don't get scared, but don't get too comfortable because I am going to try to con a certain someone into helping me paint this blog with all the colors of the wind. (I never did figure out what that meant. Pocahontas... I think she had some mental disorder. .)

Finally!!! The answers we all crave!

So Elesa started this new blog and invited me to post on it. It is a super-awesome blog so check it out!!

Interpreting the Uninterpretable

Thanks

Simon loves to drawar drawarings

No he doesn't.

I am in need of a cool logo for the new World Domination Organization site. I will be posting the url soon. So, anywayz, I was thinking that since I have like tons of people who read my blog like all the time.... Ok, I will be lucky if even one person reads this post.. Well, so what I am trying to say is that If any of you out there in the internets wants to take a crack at a cool new logo for the World Domination Organization, send me your stab at it, and I will pick one (If I get any) and you will get a prize, but the prize is a secret. And don't tell me that I am just saying that because I don't know what the surprise is, because I do know. I do know what the surprise is, Elesa.

So here is some information about the World Domination Organization: Uber Villains, super-awesome secret spy stuff, world takey-over ideas, oh and capes are welcome. It occurs to me that some uber villains have capes, but I think that most of them actually have collars and are designed more for hiding in the shadows than flying. There, have I crystallized it for you? Um also there are bombs and land-mines and minions and lairs. You know what a lair is right? Come on... you know... Where the uber villain goes to make all of his evil robots and also where he sneaks off to check his email. Yes, some uber villains also have lairs dedicated to their build-a-bears, but we are trying to pretend that that kind of thing isn't happening, Thomas.

Ok, so come on now, draw me a cool logo. Please?? I at least expect Faralee to make one for me. Faralee, don't let me down.

Also, whether you draw me something or not, start thinking of your uber villain pseudonym. The opportunity to join is at hand!

Wow

Ok, I am writing today to pay homage to Elesa. If you haven't read her Toilet Humor post, you should probably go read it now. I consider that post to be THE definitive guide on toilet usage and etiquette.

nomenclature

It seems like all I can do is rant nowadays. But ranting is easy. That's why I do it most.

Today's topic is: Baby Animals.

You would think that baby animals are perfect in every way. They are usually cute, granted. It's not the animals themselves that I would like to rant about, it is the stupid un-ending names that humans have decided to apply to each animal baby type. Why, oh why, do we even need to name them at all. Baby swans are called cygnets. CYGNETS!!! What???? Why??? What a stupid thing to call a baby anything!! Don't get me started on horses! Some baby horses are called foals, some are called colts, I think fillies are the girl ones but only a certain age range. I have no idea where the pony fits in. Is it a different type of horse? Holy cow!! Who cares?! My vote is to just call everything a baby ____. Wouldn't it be so much easier to say "Look, there is a baby horse."

"Well, Lance, when things are babies they need a special name because blah blah blah blah blah!" You know what, fake person responding to my rant? Shut up! You can't even come up with a proper response! Why don't you go back to come-back school, you come-back school drop-out!! All you can say is "blah blah.." Sure, I invented you and your response, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm right. Any other fake responders? I didn't think so..

While we are on the topic of the excessive nomenclature circus: Do we really have to call a group of crows a "murder." Murders, flocks, herds... What does it matter to say those things. Just call it a group of crows. Or maybe just "a bunch-o-crows." The term "bunch-o-*" is a term that can be used with any object to indicate that there are more than one of said objects being discussed. Just replace the asterisk (*) with the object you are talking about. Everybody will know that you are talking about a group of that object, I promise. Nobody wants to hear you say, "look yonder! I see a flugertyblurg of kurnkyknuckles." By the time they figure out that a kurnkyknuckle is the term used only during the months of June and October for a baby female squirrel between the ages of 2 months and 3 years, and that a flugertyblurg is a group of them, They will have missed the event anyway. I definitely speak for everyone when I say that I would rather someone say "Look, there are a bunch-o-baby squirrels." than hear them say "Hark! A flugertyblurg of kurnkyknuckles percheth upon yonder shmorntaven splorg." Ok, so those aren't really the terms applied to squirrels, but if you look up the actual terms at the link below, you will see that the real terms aren't any better.

It must be that at a certain point in history people just got really bored. They were all sitting around and one guy said: "Gosh I wish there was something to do!" and another guy said: "Well, we already named every object that we have ever come in contact with, and all our crops are planted. Games haven't been invented yet. Naming all those things was really fun, let's start naming everything's baby. And then let's come up with really stupid names for groups of everything!" And then everyone spent the next million years naming away.

You say you don't believe me that this animal naming thing is out of control? Check out this small list of animal baby and group names: http://www.enchantedlearning.com/subjects/animals/Animalbabies.shtml. A sounder of farrows? I rest my case. For a moment..

The End.