Whit's End.

Cute is the new stupid.

2010-10-21T20:14:00.000-07:00

Hi. Sorry I haven't written anything for a while, Elesa. Anyway, it's just because blogging is stupid, and I haven't wanted to do it ever again, until now.

Ok, blackberry. I have really liked your phones and been a really big fan. My pearl was so cool!! I always told people how cool you were. Until now. Now I have one word for you: SHUT UP.

I get so sick of companies like blackberry that think they are so freaking innovative when they try to reinvent something that already exists and affix their name to it somehow. If I hear blackberry talk about their BBMs, I am going to send them an actual BBM. It's a text. The word is "Text" or more specifically "Text Message."

Everyone knows what a BM is. It's a very personal thing that I will not discuss here, since this blog is known for its sensitivity and class... Poop. It's poop. Specifically a bodily function that moves the poop from inside a person to ... not inside them. BBM is a very LARGE version of this. Probably most notably those of elephants, or hippos.

Ok, I feel much better now...

The tooth is out there

2010-07-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

So I have been watching X-Files. It's cool. It's about this guy who runs around almost finding aliens, and then being really dramatic about everything. As you can tell, this post is probably not about the X-Files, but rather about another subject entirely: A tooth.

Not just any tooth. There was a time when I was free like a bird. An overweight bird without any wings, and with an allergy to sunflower seeds, but a bird nonetheless. Nonetheless? Um, actually alottheless. Anyway, this bird (me) had a dream. A dream to eat things without the sharp, bitter hand of suppression covering his small little beak, trying to stop the little bird from ever being happy again. The little bird tried to realize his simple little happy dream, but could not. For each time he stretched out his beak to savor the softness of an ice cream cone, or chomp on the crunchediness of a corn nut, his joy was thwarted by an icy jet of pain. A pain enough to make a bounty hunter cry. The suspect? The instigator? The villain? None other than a tooth, a spy. An "inside" job.

So what did I do about it? I'll tell you! I hired a master of one of the most ancient and darkest arts known to this part of the universe. A wizard wielding a power that makes grown men crumble. The power of dentistry. dun dun dun!!!!

Do you want to know what happens to a traitor in my employ? Well, first: He is stabbed multiple times where he lives and filled with an injection that paralyzes him. Makes him numb, unable to feel. Then, his insides are ground down from his head to his toes and beyond. Then he is filled with special plastic rods, and cement. After that, a special crown is placed upon his head, and he has no other recourse but to conform, and be still.

Creepy enough? Well, It's the honest tooth.

Apostrophe Catastrophe

2010-06-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

I like apostrophes. I really do. I think they are great, and I find the rules regarding them easy enough to remember. However, as we know from spiderman, with great power comes great propensity for stupidity. or something like that.

I think properly used apostrophes are a beautiful thing. Equally, there is nothing that says "Hi, I live up in them hills with my banjo, my 50 cats, and my 2 teeth" like the blatant misuse of the apostrophe.

Let's take the apostrophe blunder that really gets my goat: Using an apostrophe to pluralize a word. PEOPLE!! If you use an apostrophe to make a word plural, I will come to your house and pull your toenails out through your nose!!!!!! Here are some examples: CD's for sale. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!n CDs CDs do you spell boxes like this: box's? or Pony's? How about Idiot's? NO YOU DON'T, unless your brain is made of kitty litter. Another example: (this one I actually saw on the side of a homeland security trailer) "Participating Agency's: Springville, Spanish Fork..." etc. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! I knew the government was kinda slow, but COME ON!!! If you have more than one agency, an apostrophe isn't helping you. The word is actually Agencies. No wonder it took FEMA so long to get to New Orleans. That was harsh, but not as harsh as I am going to be with the amoeba that made the graphic for the side of that trailer.

Here is my new rule: "When in doubt, just leave it out!" I promise you will look much less like a feeble minded rock-biter if you accidentally leave an apostrophe out than if you put one where it just doesn't belong.

In closing, I would just like to say this: I probably make plenty of punctuation mistakes, but I don't care. This isn't about me, this is about apostrophes. Stay focused, moron.

2010-06-18T22:24:00.000-07:00

I'm just not afraid of ghosts anymore. I used to be terrified, but I just can't be afraid of them anymore. Here's the problem: I have never ever heard of a ghost attacking ANYBODY. I mean, sure, there are scary ghost movies where the ghosts get people, but in real life nobody has ever claimed ghost attack. I know what you are thinking: "How long has it been since I have had a cookie? Has it been long enough for me to have another one without guilt?" Well, STOP THINKING THAT!! We are talking about ghost attacks here!! Or rather, we are talking about the non-existence of ghost attacks.

I am sure that you think I am just being silly, but I assure you that I am not. I know that you think that just because no one has claimed it, doesn't mean it hasn't happened. Well, I'm sorry that you think that. You must be pretty dumb. I am obviously right, just by virtue that I know a LOT about ghosts. Let's make a little comparison here: Aliens. That's right! I said it!! Aliens. Nobody can even agree about whether they exist or not, and how many people claim that they have been abducted?! Like a million. A million people every year claim to have been abducted by aliens and taken to their spaceship and had tea with their leader. Now I ask you again, how many people have claimed ghost attack?

The answer is: none. That's right, Paraclese, none.

The truth is that ghosts DO exist, as opposed to aliens, who don't. Ghosts simply don't care about the living. And why would they? You don't have anything they want. They don't need to eat or buy things or talk on the telephone. They probably spend most of their time break-dancing, or going to movies.

You know, I just had a thought: Maybe ghosts ARE aliens???? Maybe when you die, you turn into an alien.. That would explain a lot.

Why am I still typing, I need to find a panda.

Another Sydneyism

2010-06-08T18:30:00.000-07:00

Today on the way down to the Payson Pool, Ethan and Sydney were having a little discussion about what they wanted to be for halloween. At one point I distinctly heard Sydney say "Well, I am NOT going to be a poundpire for halloween, they are TOO scary!"

I am not sure what a poundpire is. Maybe it is the guy that guards the dog pound? Or.... nope, that is the only thing it could possibly be.

In other news, I have been involved in this play called "Bells are Ringing." It's a play about a mobster who is trying to get money from this dude. Ok, it isn't about that really, that's just a small part of it. But along with doing lights and sound, I play the mobster, so obviously, it's the only part that matters. I am having some fun with it. I get to use my vast acting experience to deliver lines like: "Is Sandor around?" and "shut up." Oh and my favorite line: "shut up!" Fun times.

Have you ever started something and then got tired of it halfway through and just de

Pitter Patter

2010-03-12T19:43:00.000-08:00

This stream of consciousness is going to work out! I just know it. I am pretty dang sure that I can sit down to this computer and just type, and no matter what I type it will be awesome!!

Ok, now I am out of ideas. Oh! How about another poem?

Pitter-patter little mouse
sneaking all around my house
Fae caught you once inside her closet
While she made a shirt deposit

Pitter-patter little mouse
Fae doesn't want you near her blouse!
so I sent Ethan for my broom
(I keep it in the other room)

My eyes stayed fast upon your spot
A way to pass me filled your thoughts!
Oh where's the broom! Hey look! It's here!
and then you knew the end was near.

The curtains closing, things looked bleak.
Your chances slim, your position weak.
And just when things were at their worst
When with fear you thought you'd burst
a tiny flash of hope and chance
told you that you might pass Lance
without being hit by my large broom
maybe you could skip your doom.

So up you sprang!
Out toward the door!
My broom, I swang
down toward the floor!

I did not get you on that day
You jumped and zagged and got away

But heed my words, for this I swear
If I see your mousy hair
Even though It cause me strain
I'll whack you hard right on your brain!

Frantically patient, softly furious.

2010-03-10T21:49:00.000-08:00

I guess what I am saying is:

I really do need oxygen, I just don't need it pumped into my lungs for me. You feel me, frog?

In quiet times I like to find a dim corner. I slowly raise a plastic colander to wear as a hat on my head. Then I sing sweetly until forest animals begin to gather near me with soft looks of curious wonder. When all of the stresses of life have settled and I am at one with nature, I pull out my air-horn..

Listen, I haven't written in this blog for awhile. I don't know why. I can't remember how to write stuff. I sit down at the computer, and all that comes out is.... RELEASE THE HARPSICHORD QUEEN!!!!

Poetry is the wind from which we seek to establish the foundation of our base upon. All writers of every genre seek that magical moment when a string of letters forms into words, and those words form into word-strings, and those word-strings form into word-string-clusters. That's where the magic really happens!

You know what the real problem with blogging is? You can't do a clip-show when you don't feel like recording a full episode!! That would be cool. Well, for the author, not for the reader.

I could be like: 2009 was really full of fascinating fine literature. We all remember the moment when the Sadbot....

I won't though. Although, now that I think of it, I really should write a Sadquel. I know that everyone has been pining for more about that big metal heartless cutey-pie!!

Ok, well my pen is out of ink..

Hippo Man

2009-12-20T00:55:00.000-08:00

I have been trying really hard lately to lose weight. I mean, I have done everything under the sun. I have walked up and down the stairs a few times, I have done sit-ups (well, I did ONE sit up, to reach the remote.) I have also cried a lot about how fat I am, shouldn't that count for something?

Why can't the weight just lose itself? I just don't think I should be responsible for every little.... Hold on a sec, I just got a hankerin' for a ham sandwich.

Ok, I'm back. I haven't written a poem for awhile, so here is one that has been passed down through generations and generations... and then thrown away, but I snagged it out of the garbage:

Harold
-------------------
Harold was a lonely old man
and a sorry old man was he,
In winter winds through thick and thin
he ate til half past three.

This was a practice set in stone
and never would he budge,
But did this practice served him well?
I'll let you be the judge.

For on one blustery winter night
a stranger came to call,
But hunger forced that sad old man
to pay no mind at all.

The stranger, in a heated rage
set fire upon the spot
and turned and left the dumpy house
to turn from cold to hot.

If Harold felt the fire's sting
we'll prob'ly never know
for Harold sat and ate his food,
he loved his dinner so!

The point which I am making here
is one of loud forewarning,
if you eat too much at night,
you'll be sorry in the morning!

2009-12-17T20:08:00.000-08:00

Life is like a roller coaster. It seems really scary until you summon up the courage to try it. You have to really dig down deep, trusting that the experience could actually be fun once you get the hang of it. And then, as you hear the last few clicks of the coaster car reaching the top of the first hill, and feel the awesome power of gravity as it begins to pull that car back to earth; It is at that moment that you realize what a horribly terrible mistake you have made.

No, it isn't your fault. How could you have known? I mean, yes, you read that brochure that another angel handed you describing the difficulties and seriousness of gaining a body. But there isn't any way you could actually know what it was going to be like. And just like the roller coaster, once you are on it, there is really only one way to get off early, and it isn't pleasant!

Now this may sound dismal and depressing, and it is. But guess what! There is a silver cloud to every lining. And the silver here is: Silver! What if you find a nickel on the roller coaster? That would be pretty cool!

Let the lesson be this, lads and ladies: The less information in the brochure, the more questions you should be asking about the ride.

I wear a helmet, I wield a shovel.

2009-11-07T02:32:00.000-08:00

Don't think of me as a hero. Just know that I am one, and that I am awesome. My staggering amount of moxie and class doesn't necessarily fall in with the actual feel and point of this post, I just think that it is something we should all be aware of. I am truly a beacon of truth-piercing hope wrapped in a milk chocolate cocoon of spectacular superness. There, I said it.

I may not be some jet-setting thousandaire, but when it comes to having an opinion about things, I really bring home the back-fat. I guess you could say that I am bringing back-fat back. Eat that JT.

I am reminded of a time when a telephone was just a telephone, and people weren't able to tell who you were if you prank-called them. But the caller-id ruined all of that. I think that technology in all of its greatness brings its own baggage with it. Fortunately, that baggage is a techy bag of wonders, oozing convenience and happiness. Technology is 150% super-radical, and has been proven to positively effect every single entity that is fortunate enough to be graced by its techy yumness.

If you are concerned by the stupidness of this post, I would like to take the opportunity to remind you that all of my posts are stupid. (except the last one about my grandma, she is pretty awesome)

The end

Grandma Whitaker

2009-09-09T09:58:00.000-07:00

Arloa Orwin Whitaker St. George, UT Arloa Orwin Whitaker passed away on Monday, September 7, 2009 in St. George, Utah at the Dixie Regional Medical Center.Arloa was born on May 6, 1927 in Long Beach, CA. She was raised in Brigham City, Utah by Sadie and Will Barnard and graduated from Box Elder High School in 1945. Arloa was noticed by Darwin while she was walking down Main Street in Brigham City after his return from military service in the Pacific. She and Darwin began dating while she attended Brigham Young University and Darwin attended the University of Utah. They were married in the Logan, Utah Temple on March 21, 1947. After Darwin's graduation from the University of Utah, his profession took their young family from Utah, to Idaho, to Colorado, to Texas and back to Utah, where Darwin later retired. Retirement was short lived as Arloa and Darwin were called to serve a full time mission in the Singapore Asia Mission from 1989 to 1991. Arloa and Darwin moved to St. George, Utah in 1993. She loved her days in St. George with her many dear friends at Meadow Creek Senior Community. Arloa was an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-day Saints and served in many callings and capacities. She is and was known for her unwavering compassion and care of all those she knew and served. Her life was a life of service to others. Arloa loved the outdoors and enjoyed spending many happy hours at the family's cabin east of Park City, Utah. She loved the family reunions held at the cabin and the time spent with her grandchildren and great grandchildren doing crafts and watching the deer and hummingbirds. It was a little bit of heaven on earth to her. Arloa is survived by her husband of 62 years and five children: Suzan (Dr. Gary Strobel, Bozeman, MT), Barry (Beth Whitaker, Spanish Fork, UT), Lee Ann (Richard Starnes, Highland, UT), Brian (Becky Whitaker, Las Vegas, NV) and Brent (Marisa Whitaker, Rancho Santa Margarita, CA). She leaves behind 18 grandchildren, 19 great-grandchildren, her beloved sister, Sue Zundel, of Fallbrook, CA, and a legacy that will not be forgotten. The Whitaker Family would like to express their appreciation to all those who provided care and support to Arloa at the Dixie Regional Medical Center and Red Cliffs' Care and Rehabilitation Center. Your kindness did not pass without notice. Funeral services will be held Friday, September 11, 2009 at 11:00 a.m. at the Foremaster Drive LDS Chapel, 1740 E. Foremaster Drive, St. George, UT. Visitations will be held Thursday, September 10th from 6:00 to 7:30 p.m. at Metcalf Mortuary, 288 W. St. George Blvd., St. George, UT and on Friday from 9:30 to 10:30 a.m. at the chapel, prior to services. A short graveside service will be held Saturday, September 12, 2009 at 10:00 a.m. at the Brigham City Cemetery, Brigham City, UT. Arrangements entrusted to Metcalf Mortuary, 435-673-4221.

The following post was brought to you in part by: the German language.

2009-07-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

Thus I that it would be interesting thought, for writing a Blogpfosten and for translating the whole thing into German and then back into English. Over that is, which this blog is whole. I do not have an idea, how she will fail, but I hope that, if nothing else, to read it is pleasing.

I received the idea, because I thought on, how learning English must seem to those, which learn her as the second language. Isn't it interesting, like our spoken source language the basis is real for, as we think internally in addition. I am surprised, how deeply that really goes?

I heard that average humans over 800 thoughts have a quintillion per unit of the time measure. O.k., let' s see, what comes out.

2009-07-06T19:34:00.000-07:00

Hi all-y'allz. I haven't written in my blog for a LOOONG time. I'm not apologizing, just stating a statement. Truth is, I have never actually written in my blog. I have typed in it though, and I say 'close but YES cigar!'

So, recently Anne (some lady that keeps showing up to our family get-togethers) told me that I should never judge a book by it's cover, but by how thick it is, which she later admitted was her way of telling me to lose a few thousand pounds. Yes, Anne, I do own an exercise bike. What? No, of course I don't actually use it for anything. I don't think that I should have to actually exert any kind of effort or force in order to lose weight. I just think that I should be able to burn enough calories by the chewing motion that I make when I eat my food. I really don't think that is too much to ask, and I am the kind of person that believes in standing for a principle. Well... sitting / standing, they are both the same thing really. I also have to lift a fork or spoon from the plate or bowl to my face, and typically that spoon or fork (or spork) is heavy with some delectable delight, so I'm burning more calories right there. Come on mother nature, we don't have to fight like this. I care about you, and I know you care about me, so let's just stop the cycle of hurt (and the cycle of exercycling).

Anyway.. ANyway, I digress. I think.... I have never really understood that word. So, my real point is this: DO judge a book by its cover! If the author was too lazy, or stupid, to make the cover look ok, what would make me believe that he or she took any extra care with the contents of the book? Every author knows that the cover is the most prominent marketing real estate they will ever get in promoting their inane rantings that they have collected and spewed onto paper. If they have any hope of getting us people to buy their garbage, they have to sell us!! I make it a rule to NEVER purchase a book that doesn't have a great cover. I usually look for subtle clues that tell me that my time wont be wasted reading the book. Things like: A picture of a really sweet car or monster truck; A comical title printed in comic sans; Catchy clip-art of money; An ominous question mark. These are just a few of the things I look for. You might find additional things to add to your list. Here's the skinny: You get in and out of the library or bookstore WAY faster if you learn how to judge a book by its cover. And you save countless hours of reading stupid books that should have been avoided had you known what to look for.

This is over.

P.S. Mother nature, call me later, we can work this out.

New Poll

2009-04-15T00:37:00.001-07:00

Ok, it's time to weigh in! Who would win in a wizard's duel? Gandalf or Dumbledore?

vote over there on the side --->

Re: Hired Help

2009-04-15T00:15:00.000-07:00

Cameo is a person that I know by way of having been introduced to her and now I work with her and talk to her. Oh, and there is some family connection somewhere.

She wrote this post: http://c4m3o.blogspot.com/2009/02/hired-help.html

I was going to comment on her post, but I thought it would be more confusing, and thus more fun if I wrote my own post explaining my choice: This is that post: And here is another colon for good measure: I wanted to put a colon-cleansing joke in here but they were all horrible, or stupid, or horribly stupid:::

I would absolutely, without a moments hesitation, hire a wizard. White or Gray, I'll take whatever I can get. Ya, a cook would be nice, a maid would be great. But at the end of the day I can cook for myself. I mean, how hard is it to pour a bowl of marshmallow mateys, or microwave some popcorn. Also, I can clean. I don't. But I could if I wanted to. Stop rolling your eyes, you don't clean either. But using the same logic that Dwight Schrute has used: I can't summon my own army of boulder hurling trees, or tell a moth to bring me a large eagle to fly away on. I can barely begin to imagine my productivity if I had a quick quotes quill, but I don't. But a wizard could do that stuff for me.

I just realized. I really like Harry Potter, but when you compare him to Gandalf, Harry seems more like the Luke Skywalker of wizardry. Kind of whiny and overall not very useful. Gandalf would be like a mix between Yoda and Obi-wan. I mean, If I were in a dark alley, I could probably handle Harry, but I would run at the site of Gandalf. Although to be fair, Voldemort would have probably wet himself at the site of Gandalf. I know that's a little.. over the top, but hey, it's the truth man! Let's be honest here. That's probably why they don't talk about Gandalf much in the HP books. He just would have made everyone else seem lame.

Edit: Although I bet Gandalf and Dumbledore would have been pals. Which is the inspiration for a poll!! Yay, a poll!

Just some thoughts

2009-04-15T00:03:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking about this. I hope it doesn't come across crude, but Why aren't there pregnancy tests for men? I mean, you always hear men saying things like "We're pregnant!" Which bugs the crap out of me, because either those men are really stupid, or I am missing something. I have only had 2 kids, but they both were carried by Fae. I am sure that she was always the pregnant one, I don't think I took a turn being pregnant for even a moment. Was I supposed to? Crap! Support and togetherness in the decision and the responsibility of the baby doesn't mean that both people are pregnant. Unless they are..??.. But then I come back to the original question, if men can be pregnant, where are the tests for us?

Now that I think about it, I don't think it specifically says anything about it being only for women on the package.... Oh shoot, my whole world is turning in on itself...

Hi

2009-04-14T23:41:00.000-07:00

Sting is my favorite musical artist whose name is a verb. I mean there are other cool verbicians, but Sting!.. I mean... Ok, think about it this way: If you were trapped in a dark alley with some teenage hooligans closing in on you, or a evil biker gang bearing down on you, who would you want to see stepping out of the shadows to rescue you? The fray? What are they going to do, start messing up the edges of the bad guys' leather jackets? Heck No!! I mean it isn't very scary to hear "Watch out guys, the Fray! the Fray!!!!" The Fray. They are just one letter away from the Fairy. If I was a bad guy and one of my buddies shouted "Hey, it's Sting! He's gonna put the hurt on us!" I would probably lay my harley down and hot foot it out of the area, stat.

haha! I was just thinking about this one: "Oh no! Everybody get outta here! It's Oingo Boingo!! Theyz gonna bounce us up on outta here!!"

I don't pity the fools, but I respect those that do. One question though: Who invented the marshmallow. How do you even come up with something like that?

Back to Sting. Sting is pretty. Why can't I be pretty? Can't men be pretty? I want to be pretty. I don't want to be pretty like David Bowie though. Oh wait, I must be confusing freaky with pretty.

The last appeal for 2008

2008-12-31T22:18:00.000-08:00

Goodbye old friend. You are almost dead. I will never forget you 2008, until I do.

I am at Boydell and Jen's house, and we are all standing idly by while a year dies. Why don't we do something about it? a WHOLE year is in peril, and we are having a party??!! What kind of twisted world is this?

Did you know that 1 out of every one years die? That's 100% fatality rate. In fact, today there is only 1 single year known to exist, and it is dying as we speak!

The Klingons have a word for year, and it is un-pronouncimable.

I refuse to celebrate new year's this year. I think we owe some respect to the current one, and actually, I am not sure why it has to go? I don't think there is anything wrong with the current one. People are fickle, and end up throwing away perfectly good things, like years.

I didn't even do anything this entire year. There is a lot of tread left on those tires. What a shame.

Apanthropinization

2008-12-05T23:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes hiding sounds like the best choice. People like to poke and prod and tug at my ears and my eyes. People think I should see the stuff that they see. I just see a lot of cardboard, pipe-cleaners, and paper mache........ Does anyone actually use pipe-cleaners to clean pipes? I have only ever seen them used to make hearts or flower stems or other such artaphernaliousnesses.

I like the smell of butter, and I like the taste of butter, but I REALLY don't like butter's attitude. It just sits there staring up at me saying "I'm cool, you go on and eat that bacon, I'm not going anywhere." But if you take your eyes off the butter for even the miniest moment, the butter is gone!!! I seriously do not know where it goes, and I know it was actually there and not a figment of my imagination because It leaves this buttery trail of forensics behind which I always send to the lab for analysis.... Well, I mean... Ok, I eat it. I eat the forensic evidence, but my mouth is as good as any lab, especially when it comes to butter. GOSH! I better stop talking about it or I will be up all night obsessing about how angry my fingers are at me for even bringing it up. They think I complain too much, and.... Ok, I'm sorry.

I have been told that the safest time of year is winter. Winter has an excellent hot-chocolate-to-my-face ratio. It also produces the most hyphenated terms of any season. If I live the rest of my life on hot-chocolate alone, I will be a warm and happy person. I mean... probably until I get really hungry. I get cranky when I am hungry.

I strive for one out of every poem, so here it is:

Ode of the eating
-----------------
Oh, cure of the crankies,
thou which art food for my face.
I eat thee and am full nigh unto sleeping.

I sleepeth not!

I must now clean mine house,
or suffer the sting of womanly knuckles,
against mine face.

Oh, parcel of continuance,
thou cookie of chipped chocolate!
Endure the assault of sharpened teeth.
I sharpen them according to the heart's desiring,
which now sounds kinda creepy.
I'm not a vampire.

I'm just not.
-----------------

Now I want to go to iHop. They should run iHop on linux. Or freeBSD. I mean, look. It already has the little "i" for the first letter. Now I REALLY want to go to iHop. Anyone want to come?

I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadows. If I fail, if I succeed..... I'm sorry people, sometimes Whitney creeps back into my conversations. I know, it happens to everyone, I'm still embarassed. What I was going to say is: I decided that I wanted to be an educator. I want to teach the truth of things via my blog, which you are now reading. To this end, I have inserted little pearls of wisdom here and there that I have learned from various people that I consider sagacious and phlyarologistic. Watch for these jewels of luminous perspicacity as they will be scattered throughout my writings. Please note, however, that many of these wise-folk dwell in a realm that I like to call "not-so-existent-or-truthful-land." It is a land of wonder, and above all, semi-accuracy.

One of the wisest sayings I have ever heard uttered is a saying that quickly and efficiently teaches us that we are all creatures of God and are all connected. It is a saying that originated in Central America, and is translated to read: "You can't have the Juan without the otter."

An old gargolomot of Gargolia, who was widened with age (yes, widened. He was as large as he was old. And he was VERY old), uh, where was I.. Oh yes, this old fatty said to me: "The duck and the monkey drink from the same pond." Which means: Even if you are awesome like a monkey, you still eventually have to talk to a duck here and there.

One of my most favoritorious of quotes is this one: "The lazy mouse sleeps within the snake." I think the meaning here is obvious. Don't be a mouse. I bet the snake never got eaten by nobody! Snakes are so much better than mice. Mice....

Well, I know that this entry was more pensive and deep and all that garbage, but I promise to write an entry later that.... I forgot what I was typing about.

ponderings of a mute tubist

2008-11-24T07:39:00.000-08:00

One is not the loneliest number. Three is, after one and two got married. They were all still friends but one had to get that job shucking corn 60 hours a week just to support two's gambling problem. I would tell you which was the man and which the woman in that scenario, but numbers don't have gender. Everybody hoped that three would find a nice prime number and settle down, but you know how that never happens. Three saw how one and two struggled to make things work, and to make ends meet while living in their double-wide down by the water reclamation plant. Three thought he would prefer to travel the world, but he settled for making pies. Well, he actually only started the pies and let other numbers complete them. I don't think any of the pies actually got finished, They were HARD to make, it seemed like there was always someone else that needed to add something.

Cinnamon is the number one cause of Tornados in the U.S. Don't believe me? Well, you will when you hear my proof!!!! Pass it on.

I hear people saying that violence is not the answer as they are throwing hand grenades at whoever happens to be nearby, and I think they are right. Violence isn't the answer to anything, it's just fun. Kinda like churning butter. You could just go buy the butter anywhere, but then you would miss out on the churning.

Love is like a ray of sunshine, it sounds nice, but when you actually experience it you get burned and decide to protect yourself from it. Oh, and it gives you cancer eventually.

I really wish that the gay community would give the rainbow back to the unicorns. They had it first.

In closing, I would like to leave you with a peom:

Night sky, way up yonder,
We all worry about you,
you seem to be eating
too many clouds,
and you cry a lot,
you pansy.

2008-11-20T17:56:00.001-08:00

A wise man once said: "It is better to drink water than to drown in it." It took me a long time to understand the meaning of that saying, but I did finally understand the crap out of it!

Here's a similar saying: "If you like something a lot, don't smash it to pieces, unless it was meant to be smashed into pieces. If it was intended to be smashed into pieces, make sure you clean it up after you are finished with it, unless the point is the resulting artistic arrangement of the smashed pieces." Children from a young age understand this concept clearly and deeply.

Robots will never learn to moonwalk. Yes, they will someday visit the actual moon, but I am talking about that timeless move that Michael Jackson introduced to the world. Here is the reason that robots will never moonwalk: It's hard. Most people can't even do it right. How is a robot supposed to do something that defies the laws of physics? A robot can't go through the motions of walking forward and end up walking backward. A robot also cannot pretend.

I cried myself to sleep until I realized that I could just close my eyes when I was tired and go to sleep. Kids don't understand that even though they are having fun playing, or spitting chocolate milk at the cat, it's fine to go to sleep. they don't realize that they have no job or responsibilities of any kind, so when they wake up in the morning, they can just go right back to whatever they were doing. Come on kids! Give me a break. Also, kids can't count. Don't ask kids to count sheep because they can't, and even if they could it sounds like a really stupid idea to them because it IS a stupid idea.

I sat down to my computer and I really wanted to type a new blog entry. I know that if I don't type blog entries, I will have no way of passing on my knowledge to my posterity. Unfortunately, my knowledge is extremely..... non-existent. If you compare my knowledge to that of a library, I would be the library's little brother who doesn't know anything. So instead of some inspiring tome laden with wisdom and poetic imagery, you get me typing whatever comes into my brain. Like:

Trombone players think they are awesome, and they probably are.

The moral of the story is: "Loneliness is like not having anyone to talk to"

Blog flux

2008-10-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

As you can see, this blog is in flux at the moment. Don't get scared, but don't get too comfortable because I am going to try to con a certain someone into helping me paint this blog with all the colors of the wind. (I never did figure out what that meant. Pocahontas... I think she had some mental disorder. .)

Finally!!! The answers we all crave!

2008-10-20T15:06:00.001-07:00

So Elesa started this new blog and invited me to post on it. It is a super-awesome blog so check it out!!

Interpreting the Uninterpretable

Thanks

Simon loves to drawar drawarings

2008-10-17T00:40:00.000-07:00

No he doesn't.

I am in need of a cool logo for the new World Domination Organization site. I will be posting the url soon. So, anywayz, I was thinking that since I have like tons of people who read my blog like all the time.... Ok, I will be lucky if even one person reads this post.. Well, so what I am trying to say is that If any of you out there in the internets wants to take a crack at a cool new logo for the World Domination Organization, send me your stab at it, and I will pick one (If I get any) and you will get a prize, but the prize is a secret. And don't tell me that I am just saying that because I don't know what the surprise is, because I do know. I do know what the surprise is, Elesa.

So here is some information about the World Domination Organization: Uber Villains, super-awesome secret spy stuff, world takey-over ideas, oh and capes are welcome. It occurs to me that some uber villains have capes, but I think that most of them actually have collars and are designed more for hiding in the shadows than flying. There, have I crystallized it for you? Um also there are bombs and land-mines and minions and lairs. You know what a lair is right? Come on... you know... Where the uber villain goes to make all of his evil robots and also where he sneaks off to check his email. Yes, some uber villains also have lairs dedicated to their build-a-bears, but we are trying to pretend that that kind of thing isn't happening, Thomas.

Ok, so come on now, draw me a cool logo. Please?? I at least expect Faralee to make one for me. Faralee, don't let me down.

Also, whether you draw me something or not, start thinking of your uber villain pseudonym. The opportunity to join is at hand!

Wow

2008-10-17T00:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, I am writing today to pay homage to Elesa. If you haven't read her Toilet Humor post, you should probably go read it now. I consider that post to be THE definitive guide on toilet usage and etiquette.

nomenclature

2008-06-27T14:26:00.000-07:00

It seems like all I can do is rant nowadays. But ranting is easy. That's why I do it most.

Today's topic is: Baby Animals.

You would think that baby animals are perfect in every way. They are usually cute, granted. It's not the animals themselves that I would like to rant about, it is the stupid un-ending names that humans have decided to apply to each animal baby type. Why, oh why, do we even need to name them at all. Baby swans are called cygnets. CYGNETS!!! What???? Why??? What a stupid thing to call a baby anything!! Don't get me started on horses! Some baby horses are called foals, some are called colts, I think fillies are the girl ones but only a certain age range. I have no idea where the pony fits in. Is it a different type of horse? Holy cow!! Who cares?! My vote is to just call everything a baby ____. Wouldn't it be so much easier to say "Look, there is a baby horse."

"Well, Lance, when things are babies they need a special name because blah blah blah blah blah!" You know what, fake person responding to my rant? Shut up! You can't even come up with a proper response! Why don't you go back to come-back school, you come-back school drop-out!! All you can say is "blah blah.." Sure, I invented you and your response, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm right. Any other fake responders? I didn't think so..

While we are on the topic of the excessive nomenclature circus: Do we really have to call a group of crows a "murder." Murders, flocks, herds... What does it matter to say those things. Just call it a group of crows. Or maybe just "a bunch-o-crows." The term "bunch-o-*" is a term that can be used with any object to indicate that there are more than one of said objects being discussed. Just replace the asterisk (*) with the object you are talking about. Everybody will know that you are talking about a group of that object, I promise. Nobody wants to hear you say, "look yonder! I see a flugertyblurg of kurnkyknuckles." By the time they figure out that a kurnkyknuckle is the term used only during the months of June and October for a baby female squirrel between the ages of 2 months and 3 years, and that a flugertyblurg is a group of them, They will have missed the event anyway. I definitely speak for everyone when I say that I would rather someone say "Look, there are a bunch-o-baby squirrels." than hear them say "Hark! A flugertyblurg of kurnkyknuckles percheth upon yonder shmorntaven splorg." Ok, so those aren't really the terms applied to squirrels, but if you look up the actual terms at the link below, you will see that the real terms aren't any better.

It must be that at a certain point in history people just got really bored. They were all sitting around and one guy said: "Gosh I wish there was something to do!" and another guy said: "Well, we already named every object that we have ever come in contact with, and all our crops are planted. Games haven't been invented yet. Naming all those things was really fun, let's start naming everything's baby. And then let's come up with really stupid names for groups of everything!" And then everyone spent the next million years naming away.

You say you don't believe me that this animal naming thing is out of control? Check out this small list of animal baby and group names: http://www.enchantedlearning.com/subjects/animals/Animalbabies.shtml. A sounder of farrows? I rest my case. For a moment..

The End.

Tickle for best results.

2008-06-12T13:25:00.000-07:00

I inherited Fae's old digital camera. It is small so it works for me. I thought that I would take some pictures of Sydney because she was readily available, and she happens to be quite pleasant to look at. I had to tickle Sydney to get her to smile. She is so silly.

Here are the raw images:

Here is one that I did a little treatment on:

If it makes you feel better...

2008-06-11T23:45:00.000-07:00

Hi. I am not a mac or a pc. I am a person. Also, I am growing very suspicious of those mac vs pc commercials for two reasons. Number 1, I don't believe that those two guys are computers. I think they are just guys. Number 2, real nerds know that the term "pc" is not synonymous with Windows. You can run all kinds of things on a "pc" that aren't windows. In Fact, you can even run OS X (Mac's OS) on a "pc" if you really want to.

Let's forget about that for now. The real reason I am writing this post is this: I have grown weary of hearing people throw the word "investment" around. It just drives me crazy. So many people trying to make themselves feel better about spending money by calling it something else. Sorry, dumb-heads, but you are dumb.

The dictionary that I found online listed this as a definition of investment: The investing of money or capital in order to gain profitable returns, as interest, income, or appreciation in value.

I happen to feel strongly that this is the correct use of the word. Investing in something is when you put your money into it in the hopes that you will gain more money out of it later on. A house can be an investment, because houses normally increase in value. A computer is not an investment. I don't care how much money it will help you make, its own value will not increase. A car is normally NOT an investment unless you are some collector who is able to sell the car later for much more than you paid.

I just get so sick of hearing people say "I invested in that digital photo frame." NO! You didn't invest in anything! You took your hundred bucks and spent it! Which is fine! Really, I am a big fan of people buying things which keeps money circulating, which is how the economy functions. Spend away! I like buying toys and things. I like buying things that help me be more productive, but that's simply not an investment.

Ok, well. I am sure that people will disagree with me. But I don't care, because I am a super-villain, and in proper super-villain fashion, I have already made up my mind and won't change it! Eat that batman!!

I'm hungry now, maybe I will go invest some money in a hamburger. I can barely even stand to say that in mockery. Gosh!

-- End of Transmission --

Why do good things always happen to bad people

2008-05-19T20:30:00.000-07:00

I don't have to put punctuation at the end of my blog titles, Jessie! And If you could look past (crap! Is it passed or past?? I can't be handing this kind of ammo to the grammar gustapo)... Uh, If you look.. beyond (nice save) the missing punctuation, you will see that the meaning of the sentence is what's important. Although I guess it is hard to tell whether I am asking, yelling, or whatever. But I didn't type it in all caps, so I'm not yelling.

This is an issue that affects millions of families every year. Four (4) out of every bad person has good things happening to them.. like all the time! This doesn't seem right to me, and I intend to do something about it. I am going to need the help of humans everywhere, and that is why am writing this post. Please join with me in this effort to restore balance to the force. Here is my plan:

Phase 1: Alert the media. I am asking everyone to call their local newspaper and television stations and alert them to the injustice that is happening all over the world. Ask them to shine the bright, uncomfortable, burning light of shameful shamefulness on this issue. Once the piercing laser-beam of scrutiny has been focused, we will deploy phase 2!

Phase 2: Release the hounds! Once the scorching heat of awareness is beating down upon the bad people like a thousand suns firing an endless barrage of cancerous photon death, they will start to scurry and slither to get out of the hot hotness of doom. This will be our moment to activate those robot ninja monkies. This will be the time for big holes in the ground covered only by a thin layer of leaves. If you don't have monkies or big leafy death-trap holes, deploy any old thing you have laying about the lab. Battery acid, when carefully balanced on a slightly-opened door works very well indeed.

Phase 3: This is a phase that will be easy to overlook. However, it is vital to our success. Once we have captured all of the bad people who are having great things happen to them, we have to brainwash them to become members of our great scary villain army. Once we reach this phase I will send each of you the IP address to our orbiting brain-control satellite array. Yes, that means that I will have control over them all, but that's ok, we're friends, right?

Ok, we can make this right. If we all join our hands in holding the hammer of justice and hammeriness, we can hammer out a message to our brothers and our sisters, aaaaahahaaall over this land.

Let me close with this inspirational picture:

Some people just can't handle the jealousy

2008-05-05T21:56:00.001-07:00

I just can't bottle this in anymore. When raw emotion grips you like a mother cat grips the back of her baby kitty's neck and carries you to the edge of sanity and throws you over into the boiling saucepan of never-ending boilingness, you have no other choice but to cry out to the humans of planet earth for just a little piece of understanding!! I am there. I have felt the whispering winds of whiperiness. I have opened the sauerkraut bottle of magnanimous magnanimity. I... ok I can hear you asking me to shut up and get to the point. So here it is:

Telepathy is not a joke, people! I just think that we could all be more thoughtful toward people who, by no action of their own, were born with that burdensome burden of burdenitude. I know that many of you think that the ability to communicate with your mind, and to read other people's minds would be a big tease. You think that you could have a lot of fun, well think again! Imagine the following true story:

Once upon a time there was a man named shibblesnork. All of his friends called him 'old shibsy' because that was easier to say back then when things were different than now.

Shibsy was minding the goat churner one morning when a strange fellow from the east wandered past the front gate. Since he was telepathic, without trying he caught this thought fluttering out of the stranger's brain: "Gee golly hey, I'm going to rob me up a bank today! Whoop diddly doo dum did!!" Now, you might not know this, but telepathic people can ask non-telepathic people questions, and the non-telepathic people will answer those questions just by thinking them, never knowing that they had been asked by someone else. So Shibsy telepathically asked "Which bank done you did think up robbing?" To which the stranger thought "Hadn't reckoned up what bank to caboozle. Maybe that big red one down in the town there." "That sounds great! Go for that one, you big sack of moldy old soap bubbles!" replied Shibsy. Shibsy was relieved, for it was the bank that he did not bank at, and thus, was no worry of his. However, this whole time he forgot to keep winding the churn winder, so his dinner was spoilt.

My great grand-friend used to read that story to me at night. Every night. Holy cow I got tired of that stupid story! But it taught me something! Just because someone can do something cool, that doesn't mean that they are automatically cool.

I would like to close with this final thought that my mother always taught me: Only reach for the stars if you want to burn your hands. They are balls of burning gas, stupid!

Bridges across nothing.

2008-05-03T19:15:00.000-07:00

This post is about a dirt bridge that crosses.. more dirt. Useless. Or is it? I found it quite useful, actually. Here is video to prove that I am not lying, oh and yes, it is me driving my new dune buggy.:

And another:

2008-04-27T14:21:00.001-07:00

I can't think of a title for this post. Probably because yesterday at the very moment the sun crossed the International Date Line, I blinked. I am sure that all of you are aware of the consequences of blinking at such a moment, so I will spare you the explanation.

This post is not about anything typed above. That was just stuff that I have been wanting to say for a long time, but I didn't think the world was ready for it.

I still haven't started writing about what I intended to write about, so stop distracting me! Ok, here it is:

Boydell and I bought two of these dune buggies. Mine is black and Boydell's is Yellow like a dandelion. We got them put together and finally went out to five mile pass to test them out. They are so much fun!! The have really high clearance and independent suspension so they are pretty cool.

Next week we are going down to Little Sahara. I haven't been there for years, and I can't wait to get back with our new buggies. We will have to buy paddles, which will let us tear across the sand.

Well, I am out of words to type. So there.

mahjong vs bubble breaker

2008-03-03T18:30:00.000-08:00

For those of you who know about the secret underground mahjong tournaments in Brunei, you might not know that there is a parallel movement happening all over Scotland involving bubble breaker.

Last month, there was a huge brawl between the two groups. Each group wanting to settle the score once and for all!! Brunei sent their laser-robots with chainsaw arms. Scotland deployed their alien-cyborgs.

I don't know how it turned out, because right as the chainsaws were firing up, my mom called and needed me to help her fix her computer. I never got to find out which game is better, So if anyone knows which game is better, please tell me by voting on the poll.

If you haven't played either game, I would recommend that you run as fast as you can, because once you start playing, you will never ever stop.

So I used to be stuck on bubble breaker, but now I'm a mahjong monkey. Here is a link to an online mahjong game:

Mahjong

the Topher anomaly

2008-03-02T22:50:00.000-08:00

So I have noticed something very unsettling. I don't know why it's unsettling, that just sounded good. Anyway, here is my observation: Every high school tech crew has a guy named Topher on the crew. It's true!!!!

Go check it out, it's true.

You get what you pay for

2008-03-02T13:29:00.000-08:00

That phrase is very true. Especially when it comes to anything technology related. I find it interesting, however, that the more expensive and "fancy" something is, the more trouble it is to maintain that thing. I just wouldn't think that to be the case, but sadly it usually is.

For example, One of my friends bought a Mercedes. Nice car. Well, nice "looking" car is probably more appropriate. I mean, I drove it once and it is zippy, but when he had a problem with it, the service was very costly and difficult. Also, surprisingly, the car is completely useless if there is even a micron of snow on the ground. I am sure that the snooty, monocle-clad elite would argue that the Mercedes is designed for specific driving conditions, and really should only ever be driven on windy mountain roads in Sweden, preferably only while being filmed from a helicopter for a commercial for cologne, or a spy movie. Well, Reginald, if a car can't handle the tiniest amount of snow, I would worry about even driving it at all. What if a surprise rain came a fallin'? All I am saying is, I know that cars can be very pretty, but most people don't have car museums, so let's just draw the line somewhere.

How did I get so derailed there? Sorry about that. What actually spawned this whole thought was that over the weekend I upgraded some of the hardware over at Fibernet. I put a brand-new firewall in place along with a new cisco switch to replace our consumer-grade switch that was there before. It all went well, except that anytime I replace a device that faces Fibernet's switch, I have to call them and ask them to clear the arp cache so that their switch will pick up and allow traffic from the new device. This really only happens if I change anything from the firewall level and up, so usually not a big deal. And I know that their switch uses arp caching to make things a lot faster and that it is a good thing, but it's just another case-in-point that fancy things require more babying. Stupid baby switches!!

I guess I would rather have a something that is solid and works than some consumer-grade device that just kinda works. So I will take the extra work that comes with it. I do think it is worth the extra trouble. After replacing our consumer-grade switch with the fancy new cisco switch, our ping times have stabilized which is a dramatic change. Our ping fluctuations and collisions have also cleared up completely, which makes it worth it right there.

Another Mosaic?

2008-02-23T11:04:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I can't help it, these are fun to make!

Sleep gentle hippies, sleep!

2008-02-23T01:14:00.000-08:00

Everyone needs a picture of themselves made out of many pictures of other people. Here is mine (click the image for bigger picturization):

This seems simple to me

2008-02-23T00:56:00.000-08:00

I am not going to explain the literal whatever behind this post. I just feel the need to put this out there.

If you are a nerd, and you are NOT a masochist, I would NOT recommend walking up to the strongest, stupidest, most anger-prone bully and punching him in the face. This is especially true if on top of everything else, you are a fat nerd and can't run for nuthin.

Just to clarify: If you come across a crocodile that looks very hungry and you decide to see how long you can keep your hand in it's gaping mouth, pulling it back only at the last moment before the crocodile's mouth snaps shut, you forfeit your right to be surprised.

Nobody is going to be sorry for you or what happens to you if you decide to walk into a police station and start smoking crack in the lobby.

There will be jokes told at your funeral if you strap wings made out of cardboard, garbage bags, and duct tape to your arms and run off the edge of a cliff. Extra laughs will be had if you make some kind of ninja yell as you leap out into the open blue.

If you juggle chainsaws...

The inescapable truth of blogs

2008-02-18T23:36:00.000-08:00

Recent scientific and religious studies have come to this shocking, and yet somehow obvious conclusion: If you write something in a blog, it is instantly true.

Some people have a hard time wrapping their minds around this, but it easily explained through the following story:

"ten hundred years ago from this very second there was a man who had a running parakeet. The parakeet was wise and did not ask for crackers that he would probably never get anyway. One day the sun turned purple, so the man asked the parakeet to fly to the highest mountain and fetch the longest and purest feather from a magical armadillo. When the parakeet returned with the feather, the man used it to fashion the internet and then he published the first blog. Thus we see that everything written in blogs is true."

Now it is up to all of us to trust everything we read in blogs without question. Next week we will discuss the true function of email-forwards! You won't want to miss it!

Blessings

2008-02-17T10:34:00.000-08:00

Hi Everybody!

Note: This post is not humorous, nor is it very coherent. I am just writing some thoughts here, so if you are looking for a chuckle, this is not a chuckle bin.

I find it pretty cool that Anne lists blessings at the end of each post in her blog. It not an easy thing to be continually conscious of blessings.

Recently, I read a few blog posts written by an old mission friend of mine. He is a special kind of person. I remember him being stuck in an area for 8 months that had been really ruined by a scandal perpetrated by previous missionaries. That's a long story that I won't get into here, but it is sufficient to say that the name and reputation of the church was in bad shape in this place. Baptism hadn't occured here for as long as any of us had been in the field, but this elder was determined to change things before he left. He really cared about those people and worked so hard to try and turn things around there. Instead of asking for a transfer, he actually asked to stay in the area until he could help at least one person there get baptized. Anyway, cool guy.

So I mention this friend of mine because his blog talks about his current struggles with trying to realize some specific objectives he has for his life. Things are difficult for him right now. He is very poor and not seeing the results that he would like from the work he is putting in. Still, he makes mention of the many blessings in his life. I certainly don't have the same struggles in my life that he has in his. I have different struggles, but I have good reason to be thankful.

I have thought about why it is important to recognize and be grateful to God for blessings, and have some ideas. I don't think that is has to do with ego. I don't think that God needs a pat on the back from us. I don't think He needs our recognition. Just like everything else in this life, I think it is about empowering us. I think that God wants us to realize that we have abilities beyond the limitations of our mortal bodies and minds. We have these extra abilities and resources through Him, in much the same way that our children have limited abilities on their own, but through us they can accomplish much more.

Ok, my point is that recognition of blessings and their source is designed to teach us to learn from and rely on God. I also think He is teaching us to rely on each other.

As we progress in this life and the next, I really believe that it will be important for us to maintain family and friend relationships. Of course, all of us crazy mormons know that families can be forever. But why? Ya, it's fun to be with family, but I think it's more than that. We need relationships for this thing to work. It is the same after this life. I think that as we increase in knowledge and ability in the next life especially, we will rely on those relationships more and more. Does God have family and friends apart from those He has created. I think He does. It makes a lot of sense that the circle of life we see here on Earth is the same circle we experience in the hereafter.

Well, I am a babble-bot. Good bye.

AaaaaRRRRRRR maties!! Thar be treasure!

2008-02-10T20:33:00.000-08:00

Everybody likes treasure hunting. Even your grandma likes it. I know this because every human on the planet is required by law to love treasure hunting. Look it up.

Being that I am a law-abiding, tax-paying, lawn-mowing, email-forwarding, upstanding citizen, I love treasure hunting just as much as the next guy. Not more, not less, but just as much. Actually, no! I love treasure hunting MORE than the next guy. He's a jerk anyway. I wish he would give my elevator shoes back! I'll get you, next guy!!

Anyway, back to treasure. So I have heard about geocaching for years, but I finally decided to try it, and convinced Boydell, Faralee, Charlie, and Fae to try it as well.

We were all on our way back from Las Vegas, and Charlie had a new GPS so we decided to look for a couple of caches. Our first find was at the South Point hotel. We searched everywhere and even caught the interest of the hotel security. Right as we found the cache, They pulled up in their official security golf carts and grilled us about what we were doing there. We told them what geocaching was and showed them the cache, and since we hadn't done anything remotely wrong, they said "ok" and we left. We were all worried that they might remove the cache since they now knew about it, but we checked several days later and people had continued to find it after our visit. So, all is well that ends well. And for me things end when they are out of my immediate attention.

Well, we found a few more in Las Vegas and a couple in wendover, or mesquite, I can't remember. Anyway, I am hooked!! As of this writing, I have found 36 caches and placed 3.

If you would like to find my caches, The links are below. Also, you will have to create an account to see the coordinates, but that is free, so no problem.

Red Fountain
Hedwig's Cache
Wolf Hollow

Also, If you are looking for a good GPS, I recommend the Garmin eTrex Venture HC. I have that one and it is excellent for geocaching. I bought mine at Cabella's, as they had the best prices in the valley, also the largest selection.

Note to Cabella's: If you read this, you can send me a pizza or a box of chocolates, cause look, I plugged you guys for free. That's just the kind of guy I am.

Heart Beeps and Bump Beds

2008-01-06T20:53:00.000-08:00

We got a new bump bed for Sydney and Ethan. What is a bump bed? I believe most people call them bunk beds. We bought it from IKEA, and while we were in the store looking for it Ethan said "Daddy is that one?" pointing to something in the store to which I replied "Nope." "But it looks bumpy!" Ethan is such a funny guy.

So today we got the bump bed all set up and the kids love it! Sydney can climb in and out so easy now since she is on the bottom and the mattress is pretty much on the floor. They are the cutest kids!

As Ethan was laying on his top bunk, he said "Daddy! I can hear my heart beep!" I guess it makes sense since he is a robot-monkey.

ascii and ye shall receive

2007-12-25T19:42:00.000-08:00

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SMRT

2007-12-18T01:05:00.000-08:00

Impossible-Quiz.com - Impossible Test

I am awesome

Sydneyplex Odeon

2007-12-03T21:43:00.000-08:00

Fae shot some fun Sydney Seconds.

Mahubble

2007-12-03T04:53:00.000-08:00

Made a change to mahubble.com I wanted to blog all about it, but then as I started typing I didn't want to anymore. HEre is a link. I'm not even going to go back and fix that weird mis-capitalized letter. too bad.

Mahubble

A night time poem

2007-12-03T04:39:00.000-08:00

I wasn't feeling well, so I wrote a poem to soothe myself to sleep.

Ode to Captain Picard (read by William Shatner)

Captain........ Picard,
you tug on your uniform
........... when......
you .... sit down..

Captain Picard.......
At least .... you ...
realize how ... stupid
.... children are.....

Play your melodic flute
....... that instrument
....... from ..........
.................. a life
..... that you lived ...
... in a matter of minutes
When you encountered ...
.. that space probe .....
only, how did they .....
know .. that .. you would
.... choose ... to learn
........ the flute.

The end.

A picture is worse than a thousand words.

2007-12-01T02:29:00.000-08:00

Everyone needs to see this. I have no blog entry to go along with it, but is there really anything more that needs to be said?

The flight of the sadbot

2007-11-30T22:55:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a poor cobbled old man. He lived in a poor cobbled little hut on the edge of a very small cobbled little hill. One day he built a plasma rifle and shot holes in all of the stop signs around his village until the cops came and took away the plasma rifle, which was fine cause he had a bjillion of them. This story isn't about him.. Wait. Yes it is. Anyway, he also built a robot. This robot was so amazing that it could fly faster than light. Now I know what you are thinking, "Lance, shouldn't that sentence have read: 'This robot could fly faster than light, which was amazing.'?" And to that I say, NO! Stop trying to correct me! GOSH!! I literally mean that the robot could fly faster than light BECAUSE It was so amazing. Sheesh! Will you shut up and let me finish my story? Thanks. Anywho, the robot was sent on only one mission, and so at the age of 500 miliseconds, it set off to complete the one thing it was designed for. Its target: the beta quadrant. More specifically the fourth galaxy to your left as you entered the quadrant from the north. Yes, the north.

So upward and outward the robot shot, like the tire of a huge tractor flung from the finger of a young giant. The robot rocketed toward the beta quadrant. The wind against its cranial tactile sensors. The music of Michael Bolton surging through its dual core processors. (Hey, people like different stuff, get over it) Oh, and to those that say that there isn't wind in space. The robot was there. There was wind. Accept it. Well, the journey was long and boring, because nothing happened during it, so I will skip ahead a bit.

Chapter 4: the Goat conundrum.

I can't remember what a conundrum is. The robot finally reached its destination, and released the terrific power of its weapon. The robot felt the locking clamps jolt open. It watched as the weapon burst from within its chest and was borne out into the empty black. The weapon seemed to pause for a short moment before ripping the dark from the emptiness of space into a violent bright-white light. A light that even a blind monkey millions of light-years away could have seen, except that he didn't, because he wasn't looking. Stupid blind monkey.

As the light began to slowly diminish, it sucked with it all of the happiness from the galaxy. All of the horrible, ugly, putrid happiness that had oppressed the many inhabitants of the galaxy. Everyone instantly became sad, just like the sadbot. however, because this was what the inhabitants of this particular galaxy had always wanted, this was considered a very good and noble deed by the people.

And that is how the coolest robot ever saved that one galaxy... In the Beta quadrant.

See the sadbot in action (don't forget speakers. This is a rockumentary.)

the end.
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Even the most determined of opinions

2007-11-26T02:21:00.000-08:00

We all know that I have never been a big fan of dancing. I mean, I am not actively against it. I just think it is kinda silly. I don't understand what is so great about people moving around.

Well, the other day Sydney and I were in the car on the way to wherever, and my Enya techno remixes were playing. Sydney was dancing and dancing (just with her arms, cause she was buckled up.) And she insisted that I dance too. That was one example out of many over the past few months that tell me that she is going to be serious about dancing in the future. Her dancing is the cutest thing I have ever seen. And I just know that in the future dancing won't be as silly and dumb to me when she does it.

that's all.

X

2007-11-26T01:47:00.000-08:00

This is post number 10. I am glad to say that I have achieved the unimaginable, the unthinkable, the highest honor a blogger can achieve. Yes, I am a decapost blogographer.

I have been asked by many people, "How can you be such an amazing blogophite?" And to them I say, "I didn't just set up a blog one day and start typing random thoughts into the computer." Which is pretty funny because that's actually exactly what I did. I can't tell anyone that though. Think about the pandemonium that would ensue if people knew how easy it was to become a super-evil-villain-blogmaster.

You know what, I may be the greatest blogtenant that has ever tickled the beige plastic, but just between you and me, I know that I really suck. Now you may think that I said two completely different things in that last sentence, but who asked you anyway?

In celebration of my tenth publishmentorium, I would like to treat you all to a photo from a special time in my life.

There was a time when I felt the potent rush of inexplicable joy through teaching people how to sweat to the oldies. And then Richard Simmons came along and stole my whole life out from under my rainbow striped leotard. I thought that I could trust him. Well, you all know the rest of the story. That Lance is gone. I will never ride that neon comet through the sky again. That's ok though. We can look at this picture and maybe, just maybe, we can reach way up into the heavens and catch some comet dust from a life long past.

Ok, I made that all up. Or did I? You be the judge.

lyrics

2007-11-22T02:14:00.000-08:00

I came up with a new song for christmas because I am so sick of the current christmas music awailable.

I have only written the lyrics, but I'm sure I can cook up some music later. Here are the lyrics so far:

christmas, christmas
now it's christmas
christmas time
ok for christmas.
christmas, oh boy!

Chorus:
yep, christmas
yo, ding dong, ding dong, yo, ding dong. yo
christmas

that's all I have written so far.

I could teach it though.

2007-11-22T00:43:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about all of the talents that I don't have, but wish that I did. If the desire for talent was a talent itself, I would be an extremely talented person. It's all good, though, because I have figured out a way to still contribute in my own special way.

Let's take art. I like art. I am not an artist. However, I am a very good art critic. Actually, I am really really good at evaluating... well, critiquing.. Ok, it's probably more accurate to say that I am realy good at pointing out how dumb things are. For example, I can look at some art and instantly know if it is good or if it is just kinda dumb. Does that make any sense?

I can't dance. But that's ok. Flailing my arms and legs around, and/or standing on my tippy toes while wearing spandex that shows WAAAAAAY too much is something that I really don't feel I need. Um, let's not talk about dancing anymore.

Ok, here is one thing that I can do: When I was a kid I used to be able to move things with my mind. I could kinda channel my thoughts along paths of energy... that might have been a dream actually. I wish I could move things with my mind. Do you know how cool that would be?

I want to someday own an emporium. To be really honest, I don't really know what the actual definition of emporium is. But doesn't it sound cool? I just think it would it would be cool to be like "hey everybody, let's have christmas down at my emporium this year." or "You guys are going to spain? Do you want to borrow the emporium for your trip?"

I guess you could say that my greatest talent is my open attitude and positive imagination. If you ask me, which I'm pretty sure you did, I am probably the man. well, you asked.

end of transmission_

I have children. I have a video camera.

2007-11-18T21:54:00.000-08:00

Boydell bought these cool little video cameras that aren't studio quality by any means, but they are small and really easy to use, and they just use an SD card, so it is really easy.

Anyway, I took one and pointed it at some of these kids that I think are cool, and here is the result:

The height of stupidity

2007-11-18T21:46:00.000-08:00

I can't help myself, I gotta type about this.

Someone, please, explain to me why intoxication is at all interesting to people. I know that it is supposed to make you feel good. but I can't see how the trade-off could ever be worth it.

gosh, being drunk has to be the most ugly, embarrassing, devasting situation that anyone can get in.

that's all.

Don't drink. It's stupid.

And on that note...

2007-11-18T21:33:00.000-08:00

I think last time I typed into this magical typewriter, I was writing about how commercials suck and how I hate them and such. I really hate the ones that are trying to be funny or cute that don't quite pull it off. If I have to see another Geico commercial with that stupid lizard, I swear that I will kick every lizard that I can find, and I will pull off all of their tails, and punch them in their little lizard faces.

ok, but aside from commercials, I really don't like announcer guys. especially the ones that are trying to talk really low, but don't actually have low voices, so their voices just end up sound grumbly. ugh! That guy on the science channel, ya the one who is probably really a tenor in real life and tries to talk like he is a bass. If I ever meet him on the street, I am going to go up to him and yell "Shut up, stupid!!!!!" and then I will send him an apology letter for being so rude, but at the bottom of the apology letter there will be some fine print that says "Seriously though, Shut Up!"

You know who I like though? I like Mike Rowe. He is kinda dorky, but I like that. And he does have a deeper voice, but he doesn't push it, you know? Anyway, Mike, if you ever read this, you're ok by me.

ok, good night diary,
xoxo Lance

It all began with the VCR

2007-11-07T23:29:00.000-08:00

Ah the beauty that represented the VCR. I remember when my family got our first VCR. We could watch that one single video tape that we had about deer. Every once in a blue moon we would actually borrow a video from the local video place.

That's all fine and dandy, but the true genius of the VCR could be found on a single button on the remote control. This button either was labeled "FF" or ">>" You could record your favorite TV show and then fast forward through all of the commercials! This was great because, as it turns out, I really hate commercials. Not watching commercials was something that really appealed to me.

Now we have these fancy DVRs and computers and such, and they are certainly awesome. But I think that we owe some respect and gratitude to the VCR.

Thank you VCR.

I got nothin

2007-11-06T22:17:00.000-08:00

I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out cool secret hiding places for my top-secret data. You know, like if I had a ... list of .. . bad guy .... gosh I have no idea. Listen, if anybody has any juicy top secret data, but no place to hide it, give me a call.

Here are some ideas for you if you need to hide that CD you burned with all of your under-cover minion's real names and addresses:

Get a crayon. Normally kids have crayons, so ask one of them to get you one. Now, take a piece of paper and place it over the cd. Now move the crayon around on the paper until you get a perfect picture of the cd on your paper. Now you can destroy the CD, and as long as you have the paper, you can always recreate the data. To recreate the data, get a new blank CD. Put your piece of paper that has the crayon drawing over the blank cd and then get some lemon squirts. Note: don't get the lemon squirt in your eye. Spread the lemon squirt over the paper evenly. Wait 2 hours, Now get your telephone. A cell phone won't work for this part. Hold your phone up to the CD and the dial tone will activate the fibers in the lemon squirt which will burn the cd for you. If this doesn't work, then burn a new CD from your computer.

Find a group of male penguins that are holding an egg on their feet. Penguin males will hold and protect those eggs for like .. months. So If you can sneak your CD in there too, they will fend off enemies for you. You will probably need active camouflage to get close enough to the penguins. If the penguins spot you, beat feet.

ASk your mom to keep the CD in her purse for you. Nobody is going to look in your mom's purse. If you think they might, write something on the CD. You could write something like 'Celine Dion: Greatest Hits.'

Get a group of minions together and shave their heads. Now tattoo all of your secret data onto the shaven heads. You will probably need to keep the minions working at your underground compound until their hair grows back. Now if you ever need your data it is safely hidden in plain sight. Well, something.

If you have found this post to be useful. You can send me some chocolate.

About the author: Lance Whitaker is the author. The end.

This post has not been evaluated by the FDA

2007-11-06T09:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when there is nothing to write about, I just start typing and hope that the words that pile out onto the page end up making sense. Actually, I really just hope that there are enough of them that it looks like I wrote a lot and cared deeply about something. Maybe I should use a larger font and double line spacing.

Ethan and Sydney are very different people. Even though they are so different, they get along really well. Surprisingly well. too well.. Do I smell a conspiracy? Anyway, I started out by talking about how different they are.

Ethan. Here is a super child. Always so kind and sweet, he is definitely a people pleaser. I never understood the term "Terrible twos" with Ethan. He just didn't go through that. One interesting thing that I have noticed as he develops is that while he is generally trusting, he doesn't just take my word on things, which I think is good. I love that he knows that he is smart and that he wants to check out things that he just doesn't agree with. For example, he has a little v-tech video game system that has the ability to run on batteries or on the ac plug. The system takes little game cartridges, and after trying a few of them I determined that the console was broken. Ethan decided that just plugging it in wasn't enough and that it really needed the batteries too. Well, I tried to explain how it worked and that you either use the plug or the batteries, but not both. The next morning, Ethan told me that he put in batteries but it still didn't work. This was funny because the console takes C size batteries, but Ethan had only been able to find AA. That didn't stop him though, he had those AA's in there ready to go :).

Sydney. When they say that girls are made from sugar and spice and everything nice, I think they were right. Especially the spice part. Don't get me wrong, Sydney is the sweetest girl. There isn't anything like coming home and having a little girl shout "Daddy!!" and run to give me a hug. However sweet, Sydney is in charge, and independent. She loves the feeling of accomplishment, always shouting "I did it!" As we were getting Ethan's v-tech out, I found a little blues clues game, so I plugged it in for her in her room. She loved the feeling of having it be her turn and that she could play it all by herself. It must be fun for her to start being able to do things that she could only watch Ethan do previously.

Hi.

2007-10-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I have started some other blogs that have been huge successes, or huge failures depending upon your interpretation of reality. The other blogs I have attempted have all been about tech things. I have been wanting to write about things that are happening with my family, especially my kids because they say and do the funniest things. I will probably also keep some of my thoughts in here. This is assuming that I actually end up posting regularly which history tells me won't happen. Oh well, here goes.

I don't expect that anyone will read this or care, but if you do... awesome. Oh and by the way, if you are a super-hero that needs a sound beating from the worlds superest evil villain, send me your name and address and I will do my best to wreak havoc on you and your village.